I'm tired (is there ever a day where I'm not?), I have a cold, I got up at 6, I'm in an uncomfortable dress, I'm breaking out which I haven't in months, and to give you an idea of how all over the place I am I:
-- Ate breakfast at a middle school where kids ignored the shit out of my Career Day presentation
-- Had soup and video chatted my therapist from a Subway sandwich shop (i paid for wifi there, my headphones broke, everyone heard my conversation through my computer speaker, i also had to bribe them to let me in the back to piss)
-- Had hot tea and cold, soggy hash browns at Dunkin
-- Pissed again at a McDonald's without paying for anything because there's no bathroom at Dunkin'
(fuck capitalism)
I still have work to do (that's gone up in flames today also because where it rains it P O U R S), I have to take the train back home later which I'm dreading (and like THIS close to calling an expensive uber over), and I've got a fever, but even so, I'm grateful for one thing:
Today is a Wednesday and I'm close enough to the aquarium that I can enjoy a "pay what you wish" day trip from now until closing, and I don't care that it's in the middle of my work day, I deserve a little joy.
I have such good memories of that place, part of my hometown, from childhood. One of the first outings I ever took with my sister after she was born was to the aquarium--my mom dressed us in matching summer outfits and got me a hot pink plush seahorse which I still have. I saw a male seahorse give birth in real life for the first and only time (it's wild how he squirts them all out at once!!!), watched a jellyfish bop around for the first time, I held hands with a boy for the first time while on a field trip (i wonder what happened to him...)
...i just wanna feel a little more of those kinds of giddy feelings today. I want to feel like I can look at something I don't understand and still enjoy its beauty anyway. Do I know how those little sea critters work? No, but they're beautiful to watch.
Low key I also miss my mom and like, being her friend? I dunno... she was always the first person to jump up to take us to fun things like that, and BE fun, and make sure we'd have fun together. She still is even though I'm an old ass fart. I feel so distant from everyone? Me included. But little girl me was always so enthusiastically present, and that's what I kinda wanna be today.
fuck it, let's go look at some goddman motherfucking jellyfish.
- LW
